Winsome, Lose-some

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A friend recently posted a sad quote about losing one of her best friends. She seemed really bummed about it. I totally understood her. See,the thing with friendships is that you always think that they will last forever. Especially those deep friendships that are start and touch you to the deepest parts of your soul? The ones that make you comfortable and you feel like you are home when you are with them. The kind of friendships that are 191%. The ride or die kind.

I was her a few years ago. I lost my best friend. No,she didn’t die. I just lost her. One minute she was there,the next she wasn’t. The worst thing about it was that it was not gradual. It didn’t happen over time.We just stopped talking. I think that is what hurt me the most. The thing that still hurts even now….years later. You never get over it. You think losing a lover is painful. Try losing a friend!

For the longest time,I blamed her. I said it was her who was on the wrong. Kept on thinking that it should have been her who should have reached out first. What I never sat down to think was,maybe she too was thinking the same thing. Maybe she too was sad. Maybe she too wanted to reach out first,but she didn’t know how, or her pride was bigger. Maybe she too felt the loss just like I did. What I failed to realise then was that it usually takes two to tango. I must have done something too…contributed somehow to the fall out.

She was the closest person to me,and not having that anymore broke my heart into pieces. It really did. But the years went by,and we grew and moved on. Yeah,we reconnected again. But it had changed. We weren’t the same people. We weren’t in the same space anymore. As much it hurt,it was fine. I didn’t understand then,but I came to later on.

Not everybody is meant to be in your life forever. Not all friendships are meant to last forever. Some you meet are just in your life for a goodtime, and others you meet who will be there for a lifetime. Such is life. That’s what I told my my friend.

Don’t be so sad that you forget all the good times you had. Don’t forget that this person came into your life at that particular time when you needed them the most. Don’t forget the good memories,or even the bad. Some were simply lessons. Don’t forget the good. And be thankful for the fact that in this life you met a person that you experienced a wonderful something with.

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It’s not always loud

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I am writing this from my hotel room in Seoul,South Korea. It’s 30 minutes past midnight here, but my body is still telling me it’s 6 pm..Kenyan time. So now it’s confused. Am confused. And hungry! My God,so hungry. The food here…Gosh,let’s just say it’s not for everyone. I don’t even know own how long I would have to stay here to get used to eating what they love here. And I miss the home brewed Kenyan tea! You always want to travel until you realise you are gonna have to change your food palate. Because of this,I have recently discovered that I am not Antoine Bordain (God rest his departed soul), and I will never be. Trying out different cuisines just isn’t my thing.

Anywhooo…apart from starving and having a confused body, I have just remembered that I was thinkiing about depression the other day. It was bought about by this documentary I was watching on CNN about this rich footballer who had serious depression,to the point that he has tried commiing suicide twice. Tonight I was talking about it with a collegue,and I was telling her the way most people don’t understand depression.

Am gonna be honest. Even I sometimes feel like I really don’t understand depression. Even as am writing this, am no expert and I may wrong in some things,but it’s really something that I have been having on my mind. Like, you are in a funk? Get out of it! But then I really get to think about it,and I realise that it’s not that easy. Like,that constant feeling of being sad and being dull. Even when you have everything going on well for you,and yet you still feel sad and dull and misunderstood.

Honestly,I think as Kenyans,or Africans,or just maybe human beings in general,we don’t understand. We don’t understand how you can just not want to do anything. Or you can just constantly feeling like you are nothing and you don’t matter. Or that anything matters at all. That you can have this amazing loving family and friends,but still feel so alone. Like,there is that top layer depression. The one you say that you are depressed because you have to go to night shift twice in a row,or that you have seen some nice pair of shoes that you can’t afford. There is that.

But I also think there is the much deeper one. The one that is bought about by serious mental health problems that most of us just see in people we know and choose to ignore. And we choose to ignore because we think that we have much bigger problems. Or we choose to ignore because we don’t want to sit and listen and try to help. Because then you will be committed to something other than yourself.

I keep on saying this all the time,you don’t know what that person you think is very close to you is going through. You can know if you make a point of trying to find out when you see something is off. Or you can just sit there and not ask,but you can also be kind and understanding to that person. You can choose not to be a judgy about their feelings.

Many a times we have people close to us who will be going through shit,and maybe they try and open up,but you shut them down by downgrading their feelings. Or telling them that they will be fine without atleast listening.

Depression is real. It’s not something to be taken lightly. It’s not just things that go away by getting out and getting some sun or reading your favourite book. It’s a disease,and just like you would handle someone with malaria,someone you think has depression should be handled the same way. Because most of the times,they themselves don’t even know own it.

As a reminder,always be kind. Always. Sprinkle that shit like glitter everywhere and to everyone.

Beginning of rant…..

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Am starting to think that there is something wrong with me. Like,there is something that the opposite sex sees that is wrong within me,and I haven’t known that about myself yet. I know. We are usually told that what you have in you,is exactly what someone else is looking for.

I don’t know though.

It’s this feeling that I have been having for a while. You know when you have literally been throwing out all the signs. All of them. Letting it known that whatever is out there is wanted. But..nothing.

So am left wondering. Is there a ka vibe am giving out that shows stay away!? I usually think am a laid down chick. Am easy. Am nice…lol. Yeah,we all think we are nice. Am sure Charles Manson thought he was nice too. No,but really. Am nice.

I guess am just really bad at picking out guys. I will choose all the wrong ones. And the worst thing is ,all these wrong ones will you give you some false hope. Like,it’s gonna happen even when they know that it’s really not going to happen anything.

It’s such a stupid feeling really. A stupid dump feeling. Somehow makes you feel like there is something you are lacking. The way I am right now.

I have read that there are certain people who are incapable of feeling sadness. Boy, would that come in handy right about now!

Someone should just come out and create an app where you can tell immediately if the someone you are into feels the same way and if they are going to be honest about it. I bet my last shilling that would be a killer app. Forget IG!

Because,again, feeling these type of ways sucks big time.

And yes,just in case you were wondering,this is a rant about a guy.

Story of our lives! 🙄😩😩

#EndOfRant

S.E.X

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I just finished reading this article about a woman who is a virgin. She is 40 years old. 40. And she is still a virgin. Like,never had sex before ,a virgin. Do those still even exist?!

And before I go far,does she know what the hell she is missing?!

Yes,I know. Am being repetitive. But am still…shook? Or something. I really don’t know how exactly to think of this. I can’t even remember being a virgin myself! Well, actually,I do still remember. Before I hit 18. Then I met this guy who followed me home one afternoon. He was cute,with nice teeth,and he was my very first boyfriend. So obviously I lost my virginity to him. And he was older. Soo…that was that.

But still. I still can’t imagine a woman,or a man(hahaha), being a virgin past 30. I’d say 20,but I don’t want to sound like a sex fiend. So 30 it is. Atleast there is some leeway there.

All through while reading her story,I kept on thinking that she had been holding out all these years knowing that she was gonna meet the one. Except,the years went by,and the one never showed up. And now she still has this thing and she doesn’t know how to get rid of it. I know . That is completely judgy of me.

The thing is, I really don’t see what the whole big deal about being a virgin is. I really don’t think it’s anything special.

Is it the whole idea that you have never had sex before? Atleast penetrative sex? Because sex involves so much more than just a penis and a vagina.

Is it the whole idea of being pure that makes virgins special?

I honest to God don’t see it.

It’s just some strip of flesh. And according to her,she already broke her hymen during some surgery she had.

Yes,sex is beautiful thing amongst two people who adore each other. It’s magical and the kind of thing you read about in romance novels. The happily ever after kind of sex.

Buuut, sex is also beautiful when you meet a random person and your bodies just click. Not your souls. Bodies. You know what am talking about? That kind of one time all kinds of styles and dirty…just exactly as sex is meant to be. Because let’s be honest,sex is dirty. And that’s the fun thing about it.

I get the whole ‘your body is God’s temple’ and all. I really do. But I believe that God also created sex. And not only for procreation. It’s supposed to be enjoyed too. Just like all these other earthly things.

What sense does it make for you to be so rigid,so stuck in your beliefs,that you let life pass you by?

Enjoy life. We are all just passing by,and all that you do,is between you and your God.

Again,not judging the 40 year old virgin……Okay okay,just maybe a little.

My 2 cents …..

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Am mostly sure that most of everybody has already watched that YouTube blog of Lisa Gaitho. I don’t follow her,and I didn’t even know who she was until that video blog. The only video bloggers I follow are Over 25, because, yo, those chicks are funny and they have great things to say and I could be a lil’ bit crushing on Jules. I always feel like am so her…if I was so outgoing. So,Lisa Gaitho… Her last YouTube blog is about tips on how to keep your man. It’s a really good thing that she starts it all by saying that those are her personal thoughts. And she kinda doesn’t hide the fact that she is in that relationship because she loves the money that man rains on her.

Personally,I found her tips crap. All nothing but bullshit. I have talked to several of my friends and there are some who agree and some,like me,who think that is all shit advice. I mean, Really?!!! Wash him?!! Get down on your knees to put his shoes on his feet?? Praise him?! Understand his fucking language?!! Who the hell will understand yours if you are busy understanding his?!! Who?!!

Okay,so granted,am not married. Neither am I in a relationship, and a friend of mine said that she kind of agrees with Lisa. That you will find yourself doing most of the things she says to do when you are married. That’s cool. It’s all cool. My problem is that Lisa implies that it’s the woman’s sole job to sustain a relationship or marriage. That basically if a marriage fails,it’s the woman’s fault. My issue is,that it is the 21st century,and we are still thinking that marriage is for the woman.

Am not disputing that you don’t learn your man’s language. Learn your man’s language. Also praise him. Isn’t that the whole idea of relationships?? To know each other and to lift each other? He has to learn your language too. He to praise you too. Do all these things,but also let the man do the same things for you. Be there for him,but he should also be there for you. Cook and serve him and even wash him,once in a while, but he should be able to do the same things back at you.

It’s all a two way street. You clearly love this man,and this is why you are with him,but you are not his slave. It is not your job to cater for him. Well,unless it actually is your job to cater for him and he is paying you for your services( …enter Lisa Gaitho). Then all you owe this man is love and loyalty. Clearly,women are nurtures and we always want to feed and cater to people. But you should do all these because you want to,and not because you have to.

I feel like I lost my plot somewhere along this article,but I hope my point has been put across. Am not those feminists types who want equal everything with men. Actually, there are some things that men and women can never be equal in. But women should stop these notions that it is their jobs to sustain relationships. That it is their responsibility.

It is both of yours. The man and the woman…….. Or woman and woman. Or man and man. You know…equal rights.

Ennui

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I was asked why I don’t write anymore. I really had no answer. I lost my mojo somewhere since my last post. Sad. I know. #sigh

I have these thoughts in my head,but the second I start they just…fly away. Like the flying birds tattoo on my arm.

It’s like am so unmotivated. I have these spurts if moments where I can just do things,and then from nowhere am hit with these feelings….. Feelings of not being satisfied. Of not being enough. Not doing enough. It’s depressing feelings to be have, honestly.

Am not complaining. Like,am doing okay. I mean,I have a nice job. I have pretty great friends. My family is with me. Compared to some shit other people are going through,am doing okay.

I have just read this short monologue on humans of New York. It’s a page on IG and Facebook. They usually have really real stories about different people. So this old guy in New York saying what he does during the day; at the gym,with his grandkids,going to the metro…at the end of the it,he says he looks back at his life with a nod and he agrees that he has had a great life. And it’s still great. Even the smile on his face…..nice. That was the sweetest thing I have read in a while. Well,apart from my romance novels with the HEAs.

I want to be that old man.

Right now though,I feel like I will never be that old man. I feel like life is passing me by…while am just standing there watching everything and everyone going by so fast….so fast.

They say when you feel stuck,it’s your responsibility to unstuck yourself. Or is it unstick?… Whatevs. I know in my heart that this is true. Your life is your responsibility. Your path in life is your responsibility. I should move. Am not a tree. I should unstick myself.

Except….

Except,I don’t know how to do it. I feel incapable of moving. I don’t know what to do. This is not a nice feeling.

Am not complaining. But something a bit different wouldn’t be so bad,yeah?

we don’t know

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Avicii killed himself.  He is-was- a big time music producer and a DJ and he was big. Famous. Rich. His career was out there. I am not a fan of the kind of music he did,but I do know of him just like am sure so many people do. His family released a statement that he struggled a lot with a lot of things and he just couldn’t go on any longer. He was only 28 years old. So sad. To the outside eye,am sure he came off as somebody who had it all. And am sure he did. Material wise,that is. I mean,a 28 year old man who has already achieved all of the things that he had. The younger generation thinks that success and fame and money and having all these fans is all you need in life. Avicii had all these,but yet something was clearly missing. He choose suicide.

We all think that we know someone just by how they appear to us. You see a well dressed,put together person and you thoughts are immediately that they look so neat,they must have it all figured it out. And these thoughts are usually accompanied by envy. And wanting what they have. Yet,you don’t know what they went through to get to where they are. You don’t know what they have to do to keep on being what they are. My friend and I were recently talking about some other lady. Gossip…I know,I know. So said lady we were talking about seemingly has everything. The perfect house that she and her husband have built,two good jobs amongst them,the cutest kids(OMG!),nice cars…you know,the works. And yeah,its envious. Sometimes it’s only natural as human beings to see and to want. Then my friend goes like, “But I don’t want her life because I don’t know what she goes through in her life”. I really felt those words. They were big words.

We hardly know what people go through in their day  to day lives. Our friends,our family even. Those colleagues you work with. That person you just met in the matatu and they turn and give you a brief smile. We never really know unless you are truly inside their circle. And even at times,you are inside their circle,and you may not really know.

Am guilty of judging just like the next person. I assume that those people who look together have it all figured out. Then sometimes I will fail to understand how something can happen in someone’s life.

We simply don’t know.

We should be kinder. Nicer. More understanding. Less judgy. More open to people’s opinions. Less stuck up. Life can be hard,and it is our responsibility to make it easier for the people around us.

Everybody is struggling with one thing or the other in life.