I was having a conversation with my mum recently. I think it has reached a point where she thinks it’s time I now settled down. For good. My mum has met all of the guys I have dated. All of them. Even the ones who I am not really dating but doing something with, I somehow find myself having them meet. Maybe it’s intentional,maybe it’s not. I don’t know. But she knows all of them. Now one thing I do know is that I have dated a lot. That,I truly have. Now she just started. She’s always hinted that I should have a baby. Like, she won’t come out and say that, ‘Beth it’s time you had a baby because you are getting old’. Nope. She’d just say, ‘Wouldn’t it be nice if I had a grandchild,I be boasting like all my agemates out here?’ I laugh at her. Because…well,who the heck am I gonna have a baby with??! Am not Mary, Mom! And she has a son who is in a pretty stable relationship..why won’t she tell him that!
So anyway, this day she just asked right out if I was worried. I asked about what. She says about me meeting someone and settling down . Like,didn’t I want that? I remember looking at her and thinking, am I worried?
Ofcourse in this day and age, things are a bit different. Women are getting married much later in life and having babies way after that. The first answer that came out of my mouth was, ofcourse not. Am not worried. I have waay better things to worry about other than relationships. I told her this. I told her my priority was taking care of them and finishing my father’s house and paying my small brothers school fees and all these things you have to do when you are the first born 🙄🙄. I remember also saying that yeah,I wanted to have all that relationship and babies thing,but it wasn’t important.
Later on,when I was alone, I kept on thinking what she’d asked. And,yes,it’s not a priority,but I had to tell myself that I really really wanted all of that. I wanted to settle down and have babies and make a home. Yeah,my house is a home for me,but I want to make a home with other people. A home for someone who’d call me a wife and little people who’d call me mom. You know? I really want it. I just kept on downplaying it a lot because that’s what…is expected? I mean,am a modern woman. I have a good job and I depend on myself and I have people who depend on me and being with a man shouldn’t be a priority,right?! That’s what is happening. I feel like if I say anything but,I will harshly judged. And I don’t want to be judged! LOL!
So yeah,Mom. I am worried. A bit. It weighs on my mind. Not a lot though. Like,am not obsessing over it. But I certainly think about it. I don’t want to end up alone. I don’t.
Maybe I downplay it because talking about it makes feel some typa way..like it will never happen. And I can’t be here thinking like that. Honestly,it’s just thinking that I will never be chosen. And then it makes me kinda sad.
And then I will feel pathetic for dwelling on all of these things when there are more important things to worry about in the world.
Laawwdd,being a single woman sure is hard!! 🤦😩