A drink to that

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Yooo….

It’s 3 months until the end of the year. Vision 2020 is already here amongst us. I can hardly believe how fast this year has gone…so so fast. It was only recently that I was so excited about the beginning of 2019. Well,it’s not over yet. Duh! Still a few more weeks to…to do whatever. I started the year with the idea of winging it. Which I have been doing. I left the new year resolution note-downs for the birds and all those who are wayy too organised. I didn’t have any particular goal that I had to see to. I just wanted to live and see what it was going to bring me.

2019 bought me love. It me bought me stronger friendship bonds. It bought me coming to my own identity…I guess this is something that’s always evolving. Coming to yourself,I mean. You always discover something new about yourself as time goes by. Everyday,you learn.

I turned 30. I was waaayyy excited about that at the beginning of the year. I felt like I’d made it. The excitement is waning off though. LOL. I don’t know…at some point there,I felt like I hadn’t achieved much. Like I had nothing to show in my 30 years. That feeling felt like a cold splash on my face. I told my best friend and she corrected me. Reminded me that ofcourse I had something to show for this year. I’d grown.. emotionally. Physically too. Am always growing physically…. I love food too much! (And that’s why I live on the 5th floor…in an apartment building that has no lift!). But she reminded me that I was better in touch with myself than I was previously. I knew what I wanted and what I didn’t want. Which is so true. That is something,I guess. I nodded to that.

I guess what am trying to say here is that achievements don’t always have to be solid. Like, things that are seen to the naked eye. There are some people who have gotten out of situations that they didn’t think they’d ever get out of. That’s big! The getting over the smallest of hurdels to yourself is an achievement…an accomplishment.

Life is already hard enough.. tricky… complicated…spanners thrown in there….We don’t need to be putting pressure on ourselves.

We are here. I am here. Am alive and surviving and doing the best I can. And honestly,maybe getting better at this.

That’s an achievement enough.

Fears lives

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Am afraid that I will end up alone. Am afraid that I will never meet someone to share my life with. Someone to make a home with… someone to have babies with. Am afraid that I won’t ever get to have a someone to go home to at the end of the day.

Sure,am only 30 years old. Am still young. I still have time. I mean, people now are getting married close to 40,or even past. Women are having babies in their 50s for heavens sake!

Am just afraid,I guess. I feel like am always letting all the wrong type of men into my life. Men who don’t value the same things I do. Men who don’t want me for the long run. Like am only a good time,and nothing else.

But am not just a good time. Am a long time. Just because am not made for theatrics and tears and am always down for some fun doesn’t mean that I don’t want more.

Am starting to think that there is something wrong with me. That am…very flawed, somehow. Am starting to stop believe in myself. That’s a dangerous thing,I think. That’s the feeling that makes people do rash things.

It gives me anxiety,this feeling. Makes me feel bad. Unworthy. Envious of when I see it in other people’s lives.

I feel like this is it,and yet I know that this isn’t it. That there is more for me. I mean,there has to be ,right!

Am not a sharer. I usually go through things alone. I retreat into myself and figure myself out. Partly because I always feel like my problems aren’t that big. That someone somewhere is going through worse. I know,its one of the things that I need to work on. I want to share my life with somebody. The most inane thing to the most serious. I want that. I don’t want to be the women of now who say that they don’t want or need partners in their lives. I don’t need one…I want one. Yeah,I can be completly okay on my own,but I don’t want to be on my own.

I want all of that.

And am very afraid that I won’t ever get to experience it.

Body positives

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I am not a single figure size. Am a big girl…big hips,big(er arse), wide hips,big boobs and a sizeable tummy to match all that! …you know,the whole shebang. I wasn’t always like this. But I remember my mum once told me I used to have a ka-big tummy when I was younger. Hahahaha….I guess I didn’t escape that. #sigh. Anyway,there was a time I was a size 8,I swear. It’s really shocking when I think of myself during those days I used to have a flat stomach and toned thighs, and body weight was something I never once thought of. Then well,you know,life happened. Again. And now am twice the size I used to be,who sometimes minds, and other times,I go,fuck this shit…this is the body God meant for me and if am dealing with it,other people will have to also.

About 2 days ago,I put up this profile picture on my WhatsApp of I feeling sexy despite being fat. It was a funny meme. At least to me it was. A friend of mine,a guy,didn’t share my sentiments. So he texts me a few minutes later and he’s like why do you think you are fat. You know,in a like angry sorta way. So am like, because I am. And also because I get told that all the time.

And I mean,a whole lot. I have added weight. A lot of weight,I might even say. It comes from everybody, really. From my family members,to friends , to people I hardly ever see. Am kinda of used to it by now,so that’s why now I can make jokes about me all the time. To be honest,it used to disturb me a lot. Even now, sometimes it still does, really. I’ll stand in front of a mirror and check myself and try and suck things in and shape things and tell myself how I’d be waaay hotter if I had less. I have just gotten very good at laughing it off. I hated myself,I hated my body…I felt ugly. When someone tells you ‘you are fat’ they don’t say it in a good way. It does not come out in a good way at all. Someone will say ‘you have added weight’ and follow it with a snide comment,trying to be funny. Like you know when you tell someone some honest truth and they never want to hear then follow it with a smiley face or winky face emoji? Noo….is it just me??! Anywhooo…

What people don’t realize is that such comments really do make a person feel like shit. See,you are already struggling with this thing and some person comes and throws it in your face. You don’t know this person’s struggles. Maybe they love themselves and you act like what you think of them should matter. Maybe they don’t like themselves,and they are struggling to,or doing something about it and your nonsense comments aren’t helping at all.

It’s the same with people who are skinny. I came to realize,that we do that to them too. We body shame them. We tell them they are skinny and ‘oh my God,the gap between that lady’s thighs is so gross’ and ‘why can’t she eat a sandwich’…such things. To be honest,I have done this couple of times too. It’s being all judge Judy bull crap and it’s not cool.

We are always so ready to comment badly on other people’s bodies and not stop and think what your words do to them. Words mean things. Words to people affect them,positively or negatively. No matter how honest you think you are being,or how much they are your friend and they won’t take offense. Guess what,they will! We do take offense!! The second you start on somebody’s body,you take a little bit of their self esteem away.

A popular radio presenter recently came out talking about how she was badly trolled on the internet after she put up a picture of herself in a bikini. And the keyboard warriors came out in plenty to say all these mean things to her, about herself and she says some even went so far as to inbox her husband and continue with the tirade. Like really!! How is her body anyone’s business??! How???!! And am sorry to say,most of these people who will both shame you are women. It’s like,what the fuck,bitch?! Do I eat in your house? Do you feed me?? And who hurt you??! Some woman on a cooking page in facebook had put up a photo of a meal she was cooking and some lady just commented on how fat she was and hahahad at the end of her sentence. Like it was funny. Idiot.

Next time you want to body shame someone…just please DON’T! And if you must,inside voices please. Nobody really wants your opinions on things that aren’t your business. Or maybe just that…mind your business. If you think your body is perfect,yaaaiye for you. Leave others alone. Capische!?

Want, not need.

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I saw this twitter post yesterday of this lady who’d tweeted about how she sends her man to the supermarket with a list of what needs to be bought,and alongside the items is a picture of said items. All the time! And it’s not very complex stuff like that favorite scented soap a lady needs or her need to have moisturizer that has to have certain ingredients. No. It was all basic things,like cooking oil and pasta. I know this because she’d actually taken a photo of said list and posted it alongside her tweet. Then at the bottom she’d put love emojis and the caption so sweet.

I found the whole tweet rather disturbing to be honest. Disturbing and very stupid. I mean, really??! Who the fuck are you dating,a six year old??! Actually,I think even a six year old can very well identify pasta at the shop without a picture of it! I wasn’t the only one perturbed by this,seeing as so many comments followed with lots questions.

Okay so I get you liking something in particular and when you send someone and they can’t find it,so you send a picture of it. Especially a guy seeing as they can never seem to find anything. But making it a habit all the time? And I think if this person lives with you,then they know what needs to be bought in the house. And also if that man lives with you,then they know what your favourites and it reaches a time,they don’t need a shopping list with pictures. It’s like they a child and you are their mother.

Someone commented that women do that so that their men can see that they need them and they can’t function without the lady in his life and so they’ll be kept around.

Does it make sense???!

It doesn’t to me,to be honest. You start dating a man and so you start treating them like a child who can’t do the simplest of things because you want them to depend wholly on you and that way they’ll never let you go??! Who thinks this shit?? Why do people think this works?! And does it work? And if it does work,honey,I suggest you run because you are dating a bloody an undeveloped grown up.

Really. Run! Run, Forrest. Run!

I really don’t see why you’d want to be with someone who can’t depend on themselves. If you can’t do things for yourself,then why the hell am I with you?! Clearly this proves I can’t depend on you also. What happens on the day am incapacitated and I will need help? What about when we decide to have children and I won’t be there for a while, or God forbid for a long time? You are not a child. I’d get it if it was a young’un. But a grown up?! Oh, hell nah!

Before you started dating this person,they were doing all of this stuff by their own. They had their own house so they went shopping on their own… without a list that has pictures! They could cook and feed themselves very well. They didn’t starve to death and that’s how you were able to meet them obviously! They didn’t smell, so meaning they could do their own laundry too… including their underwear. Especially this nonsense of washing your significant’s other underwear. Like,what the heck?!! Why are you washing grown people’s filthy underwear??! I wouldn’t even let anyone wash my own inner garments. Why would I wash yours?! I actually know of wives who wash their husbands underwear that amount for the whole week. A whole freaking week! Yooo! That’s like say, 6 dirty boxers! So the filth has marinated over the course of the days and they deal with it. I just can’t even!

Yes,there is a novelty to someone needing you. I get it. I can admit to it. Especially if it’s someone you love. It’s kind of hot,somehow. When you think ‘they love me because I do this for them’, you know. Makes you feel special. Makes them feel special….all that jazz. It’s human nature to want to be needed. But there is also a line. There should be a line.

You don’t treat your partner like a brainless child because you want to be needed. Dependency is good and all untill it becomes boarderline insanity. Because I really think what that lady does is insanity.

Or maybe it’s different strokes for different people,aye?!

But still…

No!!

Cliches work too

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A friend I know is going through some tough shit. We were there talking and I was trying to make him feel better. Not that exactly. I was trying to suggest ways of how he can get out of his funk. I don’t perceive to know such stuff,but sometimes somebody will tell you that they are feeling a certain way and not that you have answers,but you will try and maybe show them how they can cope. As an adult,am sure most of us go through such. There is just a certain period on your life where you feel like you are on your own and nothing is working, nothing will never work and you are never gonna be okay. It’s normal. I believe it is. Is there an adult who has never gone through such a phase?! I highly doubt.

So I was there, throwing ideas…trying to be supportive and helpful.. Then he looks at me and smiles and tells me how lucky I am that I have discovered how to deal with things that bother me. And it’s true. I am one person who has learned how to somehow get out of funks. I let whatever am feeling consume me first. I will let myself feel really badly about it,stress over it, be sad. I will accept my feelings. I usually just let misery take over if am in that state. Like,for real. And then,I believe I have good friends. So I talk. I can’t lie, sometimes it works, sometimes it takes longer to get through things.

What I do know that I really do is I look for all the motivational quotes and sayings and these YouTube pep talks. Not just YouTube,but anywhere really. Facebook. Instagram. All these social sites have a lot of people who go around giving free advices. Yaaaaiye us… people who can’t afford therapists! And have you noticed that whenever you are feeling some type of way,these quotes are usually so in your face? It’s like the question you asked is being answered by the universe. Is it just me? I usually feel that way.

And honestly,it helps. These quotes,the sad, the quirky, the depressing…they help. And videos….you realize that you aren’t alone. That all of those people speaking will say a word and you realize you aren’t alone. You aren’t the only one going through something. That someone else out there understands.

People have different ways of dealing. That’s how I deal. I have come to realize what works for me and I roll with it.

Sorry isn’t just a word

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I have just lost a very,very good friend.

No,he didn’t die. He’s just not my friend anymore,is all.

He was one person I knew for a fact that I could always count. Always. He came through for me in so many ways. He was a very good friend,and I ruined it.

Yeah,it’s my fault that we are not friends anymore. I ruined it. He was good to me,and I kinda wasn’t.

I usually think that am a very good friend to have. Which,I am. Hehehe… I am. But the thing is,we always think we are good to other people.

I hurt him. I hurt his feelings badly. And when he was going at it with me,I had to let him because there was no way I could even defend myself. It was those situations that I knew I was on the wrong and it was all me.

So now am sitting here feeling like shit. And am always about karma. She’s gonna come for me for being a bad friend. I don’t want her to. I don’t know, maybe she already has been because she’s been seeing what I have been doing.

Am sorry. I really am.

I just hope one day he finds it in him to forgive me.

Grace

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Am not sure I was born with the self confidence gene. Though I think some other people were born with it…like straight out had it ingrained in them in their mothers womb and it’s in their DNA. I was never one of those kids who could stand in front of people and voice myself,or just generally be me. Even now to be honest, I still struggle. I had a lot of esteem issues during my teenage years,and well into adulthood. This is why I can do very well alone. Yeah,it gets boring,but I can do it very well.

So it was only a given that I’d feel a certain way about people. Especially people that are closer to me or am close to and all of a sudden feelings change. You know when you are with someone and the mood just changes? Like bi-polar kinda shit,but its not exactly that. It’s just a all of sudden different. When you are dating someone and you feel like this is it,then everything just changes all if a sudden and you are left confused? When you are best friends with someone and the next second they don’t want anything to do with you?

You always end up feeling it’s your fault,you know. Like you did something wrong so now they don’t want you anymore.

I think such things happen. Between people. I saw this quote once, and it keeps resonating in my mind. That someone can wake up one day and decide they don’t want to do anything with you anymore and they won’t owe you a thing. It’s mean,yes? I know it is. Because you can’t be one person all this time,then you wake up one day and decide you don’t want to be that. Without an explanation. It’s mean and selfish. But also….it’s true. I felt that. For someone who’s been left one too many times,I felt like that I had to understand it.

And something else that I had to understand was that sometimes people leave not because of you,but because of them. Yeah,am not perfect. Well,not a 100% anyways. I got my flaws. But they also got their flaws and their separate issues.

I recently reconnected with an old boyfriend. We had something really going on that time, though there were some red signs. I ignored them. #rollseyes. We women can be dumb sometimes. Anywhoo,we are talking now and he apologized for being shit. I honestly quit being mad at him a long time ago. You know why, because I’d come to realize that he was dealing with his own shit then. Yes,he should have told me. Yes,he could have dealt better with me knowing how I felt about him. I questioned myself alot after we broke up….my esteem dived a bit.

He had his own issues and he was struggling too. He didn’t talk about it to me but he wasn’t okay.

We now live in a world now that you gotta be brave. Gotta act hardcore. So you go through something,and you have to go through it. Alone.

People are going through shit. Yup, sometimes they will leave because of you. Lol. But other times,they will leave because of them. Because of what they are struggling with. Because of their internal struggles.

Am learning this.

People’s behaviours aren’t always about you. It’s about them. When you get to learn that,you learn grace