#honestly

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I was having a conversation with my mum recently. I think it has reached a point where she thinks it’s time I now settled down. For good. My mum has met all of the guys I have dated. All of them. Even the ones who I am not really dating but doing something with, I somehow find myself having them meet. Maybe it’s intentional,maybe it’s not. I don’t know. But she knows all of them. Now one thing I do know is that I have dated a lot. That,I truly have. Now she just started. She’s always hinted that I should have a baby. Like, she won’t come out and say that, ‘Beth it’s time you had a baby because you are getting old’. Nope. She’d just say, ‘Wouldn’t it be nice if I had a grandchild,I be boasting like all my agemates out here?’ I laugh at her. Because…well,who the heck am I gonna have a baby with??! Am not Mary, Mom! And she has a son who is in a pretty stable relationship..why won’t she tell him that!

So anyway, this day she just asked right out if I was worried. I asked about what. She says about me meeting someone and settling down . Like,didn’t I want that? I remember looking at her and thinking, am I worried?

Ofcourse in this day and age, things are a bit different. Women are getting married much later in life and having babies way after that. The first answer that came out of my mouth was, ofcourse not. Am not worried. I have waay better things to worry about other than relationships. I told her this. I told her my priority was taking care of them and finishing my father’s house and paying my small brothers school fees and all these things you have to do when you are the first born 🙄🙄. I remember also saying that yeah,I wanted to have all that relationship and babies thing,but it wasn’t important.

Later on,when I was alone, I kept on thinking what she’d asked. And,yes,it’s not a priority,but I had to tell myself that I really really wanted all of that. I wanted to settle down and have babies and make a home. Yeah,my house is a home for me,but I want to make a home with other people. A home for someone who’d call me a wife and little people who’d call me mom. You know? I really want it. I just kept on downplaying it a lot because that’s what…is expected? I mean,am a modern woman. I have a good job and I depend on myself and I have people who depend on me and being with a man shouldn’t be a priority,right?! That’s what is happening. I feel like if I say anything but,I will harshly judged. And I don’t want to be judged! LOL!

So yeah,Mom. I am worried. A bit. It weighs on my mind. Not a lot though. Like,am not obsessing over it. But I certainly think about it. I don’t want to end up alone. I don’t.

Maybe I downplay it because talking about it makes feel some typa way..like it will never happen. And I can’t be here thinking like that. Honestly,it’s just thinking that I will never be chosen. And then it makes me kinda sad.

And then I will feel pathetic for dwelling on all of these things when there are more important things to worry about in the world.

Laawwdd,being a single woman sure is hard!! 🤦😩

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lib….what?!

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So,apparently am a liberal.

liberal/ˈlɪb(ə)r(ə)l/adjectiv

1.willing to respect or accept behaviour or opinions different from one’s own; open to new ideas.

I didn’t even know what that was,and I had to look it up. Isn’t everyone a liberal though? Like,are there people who don’t repsect other people’s views and opinions out here?? Because what kind of a person are you if are blase about opinions and decsions that are not yours?

So I was telling a friend that the reason I think I have been single for such as long time is because I am easy. Easy in terms of am not…nagging? Let me use nagging. Easy in terms of I let the other person be. I am a passive aggressive person seeing as I really hate confrontation. Am not those women who will hound you and want to know what you are doing at every single second of the day,what you have eaten,where you are…you know,such sort of things. Am not pushy or aggresive. I hate drama. Good Lord,I hate drama! And men seem to love that type of thing. These loud all-up-in-you-business women,they go for them hard. Am so,so far from that. Why would I want to treat my patner like a child? He is an adult. He should behave like one. And am not their mother. I won’t be running after them. For some reason,it seems like thats what men want. Or is it just the men I meet??

So am a liberal and people(men) are not ready for liberals.

Except this is how I have always been. Don’t get me wrong,I am not those feminist femi-nazis. Yes,am all for equal everything. Sometimes. I mean, clearly not all women can do all things that men can do. And that is completely fine. There are some things that women can do that men can’t. That’s just one of the thing in this life’ pecking order. Leave alone this bullshit of being genderless. There is no such thing as having no gender,people! Urgh!

I like men who take charge. A man who will put their foot and stick by what they do or know. You know,a man’s man. LOL. I must be reading a lot of romance novels! Give me Christian Grey anytime….but without all the whips and nipple clamps and red room of pain obviously. And with the money!

Being the way I am,a liberal or whatever,you call it, doesn’t mean that I don’t care. I care. A lot. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be all up your business all the time. I probably do,but I respect your space and I know that it isn’t always about me. It means that I want you to show me all the things you feel..to say…to act,the way you are supposed to without me coaxing things out of you. It means that I expect you to do your part and I do mean so that we can meet in the middle. It also means that I will not just lie there and wait,and not question.

I truly don’t know anything about this liberal,non-liberal, giving-names-to- people thing going on, but as long as you are over 18,then you are an adult and you can think for yourself and act accordingly.

*Also,I just put the photo of that beautiful outfit there because I love it. I would totally rock that,excpet the heels wouldn’t be that high. And that brallete would make my boobs look gorg! And also because I didn’t have any relevant photo to put there that went with this blog.

The sweetest sin

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Am sinning. I am going against God and everything that I believe in. Am doing a bad bad thing. Am being a bad bad girl.

It’s like that 300kg person eating a whole pizza by them self. Yes,they feel terribly guilty about it,but they need to eat. Their body can not go without such heavy sustenance.

I am that 300kgs person.

Sometimes when am having heavy and painful period cramps,I curse Eve. Like bitch just had to eat that damn stupid apple,didn’t she? Couldn’t avoid the temptation! It was just a measly apple,couldn’t she have picked a bloody banana or something! But now!…Nooow,I totally understand Eve. I feel like I know what she was thinking when she was approached by Satan.

It’s always the forbidden things that taste so good. That feels so good. That make you feel good. That literally make you come alive.

Why is that?!

Is it God testing us? You know,like Job,or something. Pushing our buttons. Seeing how far we can go. Is it that we are naturally weak as human beings and we can’t control ourselves?

Am overweight, but this pizza am eating… I love it. Am addicted. I can’t imagine being told that I can’t have it. Even the pizza itself! I love this addiction. This pizza is life…. this pizza gives life. The thick crunchy crust…the dripping cheese on it. Those meats and vegetables..that spicy taste that only pizzas have…. 😋😋

I can’t stop!

But eating it is also scary af! Because I know it’s forbidden. I also know that it can be taken away from me anytime and there wouldn’t be a thing I would be able to do about it. I don’t want it to end though. I don’t want it to go away.

If this is a test,I have failed. I have gladly failed and I don’t want to pass. Because I have it now,and I want it forever.

I. Me

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I never think of myself as a selfish person. I mean,I know I have my moments of course,but I generally don’t think that I am selfish. No,am not those people who give to charity (gosh,that sounds so cruel and selfish!). I don’t donate blood, because first of all,am terrified of needles and then apparently,if you got tattoos,your blood is tainted somehow. I don’t know who came up with that. But if in times of need am asked to help somehow,I will always come through. I think about myself as any other human being will,but I know that it’s not always about me. Am those type of people who will feel rotten if I have to say no to somebody. I will feel guilty and then I will just want to call that person and say that I will just do whatever they want of me even though I absolutely do not want to. It’s horrible. My version of being selfish is ignoring the problem. Totally. Like,it’s not even in my radar type of ignoring.

There is a time I wrote learning to not be a people pleaser. Still at it. And saying no when I want to without having to explain myself. It’s also very very important to learn to be selfish. Extremely important. Selfish with your feelings,selfish with your time,selfish with your energy….selfish with things that make you you and those that are usually taken advantage of.

When my parents broke up a few years ago,there was this part in me that hated the both of them. I was like, ‘Really? What about us? How are the two of you not thinking of us,your kids?’ But later on I came to realise,that they weren’t happy together. Yeah,they could stay together and be miserable as fuck. Then we’d also be miserable. Because they projected their unhappiness in the house and it affected us. So them choosing to think about themselves and not us helped a great deal. I was reading a story about this married man who is very unhappy in his marriage. So miserable that one day his child just randomly asked him why he was always so sad. The child noticed.As a parent,quite often,you will think that kids don’t notice such things. Oh,they do. Kids notice everything! So this man was asked why he still with his wife if he is so unhappy,and he goes it’s because of the kids. I felt him. I also felt that someone should tell him that the kids will grow up and leave. Leave that unhappy house and what will he still be doing there? Am not a parent yet,but I think that if am ever in such a situation,I would want to choose me.That way,am also choosing my kid(s). It’s like that saying,”You can’t pour from an empty cup”. You really can’t.

A very close friend of mine is going through the same exact thing. Except it’s her family taking total advantage of her. She does absolutely everything for them… financially. And when it comes to her needs,they aren’t there for her. Her situation makes me so angry. It hurts her feelings all the time. The funniest thing is whenever you find yourself bending over backwards,its because of people who are closest to you. Usually it’s because these people know you. They know your weaknesses and since they are family or friends,it’s usually ‘okay’. No! It’s not okay. They know what buttons to push,what to say to get you going. You know well that it’s gonna cost you,but you know,it’s family. Anything for family!

Yes, anything for family,sure. But there should be a line. Anything for yourself too. For your peace of mind. Because the second you lose that,you have nothing left. Putting your foot down to things that you don’t want is okay. Being selfish to people who overdo it or cross the line is great! Infact,be selfish once in a while. It’s not always that you have to fix things. You don’t always have to think about other people. Even God took a day off to rest. It’s biblical.

It’s also called self-care.

To lie,or not to lie?

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Some guy I met recently asked me what the biggest turn on from a guy was. I went with a guy who knows exactly what they want and they go hard for it. Well…yeah,that is a nice thing. Except,I don’t think it’s a big turn on for me. Because I realised that I know of a guy who wants me,and he is so fucking relentless and it has reached a point that it is so fucking annoying. I feel like constantly shouting in his face to back the heck up!!! So no,that’s not a turn on for me. What is a big turn on,is honesty. I swear,just be honest with me all the time and we are good. We are great!!

And isn’t it ironical? God sure knows how to laugh down at us.

I was telling my cousin about this guy,and she understood and said that’s the cycle of life. Somebody you want doesn’t want you,and the somebody you don’t want, just won’t quit.

So honesty.

Yeah,well. It’s all bull. I was having a conversation with a colleague of mine and there was this guy there,and then he said that women don’t like honesty. I said bull, ofcourse. Because I like the truth…🙄🙄. What dumb arse likes to be lied to??! And he kept on insisting that women usually just want to be lied to because we can never handle the truth. Some masculine macho cocky shit,I thought. Which I verbarlized.

Cut long story short,turns out he was right. Sometimes,I think we women like being lied to. Or is just me woman?

But I don’t like dishonesty. I just don’t!! Makes me feel really stupid. That you took me for the biggest fool this side of the Sahara and I deserve nothing less than to be treated like one. So no,I don’t like being lied to.

But in this case,I really really wish that he had lied to me. I wish he just strung me along for a while before I found out that he’s a big fat lier who takes women for a ride just for the thrill of it. I wish he hadn’t come out and told me that he likes me and he can’t be with me now for reasons I won’t state here. I wish he hadn’t told me the truth. Period.

Why?

Because now it will take a bit longer to get over him. Now I won’t hate him. The feelings I have will grow because he is such a nice guy who turned me down,oh so gently. ‘Coz let’s face it. He doesn’t want me. I know that. He’s nice and polite….and so hot!!! If he had lied,I would have a reason to hate him faster since I’d know he’s taking me for a ride but I’d try and convince myself that am reading it all wrong until I discovered that I was reading it all right and I needed to leave his lying arse alone.

But he’s neither of that.

He’s very honest. And that is the biggest turn on.

If only he’d lied. 😩😩

Happiness is an illusion

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For the longest time,when someone asked what I wanted out of life,I used to say ‘I want to be happy’. Which is true. I do want to be happy. Like,who doesn’t want to be happy?!! It’s the ultimate goal! One of those life things. But then I came to realise, happiness is a feeling. It’s just like sadness,or joy. It’s a feeling. It’s a passing feeling….I think. You can’t certainly be happy forever. Not one human being can say that they are constantly on a state of being that way . Like continuously joyous. It’s impossible. I realised this. So now when am asked what I want out of life,I say that I want to be content.

If you are content with what you have or where you are or who you are,you are happy. And even if you are not happy now,you know that things will be okay eventually.

But am only human. I also came to realise that being content isn’t enough. We are constantly seeking more. Always looking for the next thrill….. A better job to get more money. A better partner because the previous one didn’t think you are hung from the moon. More shoes to fill your closet because just 4 aren’t enough.

We always want more. It’s just this nature we have as human beings. Is it all humans? Or is it just some selected few? Or is it some form of greediness that lives in us? Why can’t what we have be enough?! Methinks that if we could just be satisfied…we’d be happy. Or content.

Am always finding myself looking for things…new shoes, nice spoons(LOL,I know!), A new radio since mine fell and it isn’t working and I don’t like that I don’t listen to classic 105. Am always thinking that if I get these,I’d be okay. That I would have all I need. But sometimes,it’s just never enough! I want more. We want more.

I guess that’s why so many of us say that we just want to be happy. As if happiness is something that comes and stays….as if once you are happy now,you will he happy forever and ever. Don’t get me wrong,I want to be happy forever and ever. I do.

But to be that happy that we all want,we first have to be really content. It’s okay to want more. The world is changing…. things change, especially now,and it’s a given that we’d want the better that is being created. But in that pursuit,one thing that we shouldn’t forget is that it’s not things that make us content and happy. It’s ourselves. And until you keep yourself grounded in that, happiness will always be something you want to be.

Remember this.

To,or not to??

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My best friend had this guy ….he wasn’t actually her boyfriend,or anything,but just a guy she was hooking up with one she happened to like a lot. So they recently went their separate ways. They are currently not talking at all. But me and him….we really cool. We meet and say hi and talk really nicely to each other. He knows that she and I are close. I was thinking that he’d probably stop talking to me since she gave him the cold shoulder.

Now ..there is me. There is this guy I was into..still am to be honest. But he isn’t into me. My friends know him and they all talk to him well. I talk to him nicely….like we are cool. But sometimes,my friends will be extra cool with him. And sometimes it bothers me. Like,I feel like telling them ‘don’t talk to him! You are supposed to be loyal to me! Ignore him!’ LOL..It can really bother me,to be honest.

The thing is,I sometimes feel double standardaish,you know? Like am over here talking with her ex,but I don’t want them to talk to this guy who didn’t even want me. Is it okay not talk to your friend’s ex just out of solidarity? Is it possible?! Especially if the break up wasn’t too cordial.

When is it that you completely ignore your friends ex’s?!!